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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  January 13, 2016 2:35am-3:06am PST

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>> larry: thanks to my panelists-- ricky velez, rory albanese, and kathleen madigan. we're almost out of time, but before we go i'm gonna keep it a hundred. thank you. tonight's question is from "at the media sux." they ask, "take a bath in flint michigan or sit on set of fox & friends and be silent entire episode? there's no possible way i could be silent for a whole episode of fox & friends. keep it at 100. that was easy. challenge me, challenge me. >> larry: thanks for watching, don't forget to ask me your keep it 100 questions on twitter. goodnightly everyone! challenge me.
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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on twitter! tonight was barack obama's final state of the union address. he announced it on twitter with this glamour shot oh ya, that's a michael album cover. oh perfect. like a 70s aftershave ad or something. get ready for sensual gun control legislation from barack obamble. if you guys haven't heard the --d but the weirdest piece of media associated with the address is this "comedy" video made by cnn called "the state of the union as a wes anderson film": i will take you there now.
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♪ ♪ >> chris: ya. we could only show you a few second but you got it. it goes on for like four minutes. i swear paul ryan looks like pee wee her man's conservative brother. it kills me every time i see him. every time. i know you are, but what am i. trust me, it's the worst video cnn has made since the don lemon party. there it is. do not look up lemon party. do not do it. i say this on the show often. people do it and say god damn it i wish i listened to you. >> look up lemon party.
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chris: don't. >> i'm going now. >> they should look up lemon party to know why not to. >> chris: do not look it up. >> look it up here. chris: don't do it. i warned you! you will melt like raiders -- as cringe-tastic as that video is, it raises an interesting question: what could other famous directors do with the state of the union? joe randazzo. >> -- would do the same. the twist at the end is he's not a good director. [laughing] >> all of the christopher know lan state of the unions never existed. >> quentin tarantino would give us more shots of the president's feet we have ever seen before but the same mount of "n" words
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from the opposition over the last eight years. >> chris: it's time to start at midnight! >> chris: welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is tag team tuesday! presented by monster dna! tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, and the winning tag team partner will receive a pair of limited edition @midnight monster dna headphones! [cheers and applause] tonight's comedians are: author of "funny on purpose: the definitive guide to an unpredictable career in comedy," available in book stores & amazon, it's joe randazzo. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. chris: oh good lord, the forward by john hodgman. >> in many ways it's my book.
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you are playing for @katielovestea. >> chris: there she is on twitter. >> chris: host of the "judge john hodgman" podcast on, it's john hodgman. [cheers and applause] you are playing for @gvndalfsbeard. >> chris: host of "no, you shut up!," season 4 premieres february 4 on fusion, it's paul f. tompkins. [cheers and applause] you are playing for @iamninjagnome. >> chris: ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. new graphic. love the new graphic. let's get through as many of these as we can. these are some of the top trending items online today.
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do not click on this. be ready to wish you never saw this. oh, what is that? what could that be. a a russian wolf lure, b a baby simulator or c, a clip from the voltron porn parody. >> i want to say voltron porn parody. i have masturbated to that for a long time. i'm going with b, a baby simulator. >> can we -- [laughing] >> chris: i'm fairly certain -- >> based on what i have masturbated to for years -- >> chris: really, well -- >> i think my baby simulator. joement someone jingling keys. >> a naked man jiggling --
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chris: the correct answer is a baby simulator. which is oddly horrifying. >> chris: moving on our next topic. seal of disapproval. >> chris: the upstate new york town of whitesboro, which sounds like an assisted living facility for senile klansmen, voted last night in favor of keeping their racially insensitive village seal. this is a real thing. come on. the seal defenders claim they're just wrestling. how about this, so what it's still not good. okay. whatever is going on here. maybe -- comedians tell us what is happening here. >> i don't know what is going down it's the perfect double down [beep] logo for the washington redskins. [ applause ] >> chris: our next topic:
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#kissagingerday is trending! you know what that means! you get points if you kiss our resident ginger, randy. get in there get points. you get points if you let him kiss you. >> chris: oh points to joe. points to hodgman. points, do it. points. >> i'm good. chris: i got it. now randy has to go kiss everyone in america. start kissing. there you go. kisses. kiss a ginger. this is a picture of randy giving you a kiss for kiss a ginger day. we put it on the tv screen for
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you at home to kiss a ginger too. take a picture kissing randy we will feature it on "@midnight," maybe. that's the end of rapid refresh. and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. january is a big month for president obama! or as we say in support of the college win president o-bama. in a couple weeks the sundance film festival will premiere "southside with you"; a dramedy about how a young barack won the heart of his future wife michelle. so, it's basically his origin story. might i suggest the alternate title "barack begins"? [laughing] >> chris: that would have been a way to go. [cheers and applause] this could potentially set-upa whole presidential cinematic universe, so we're gonna brainstorm some more films with tonight's hashtag... #presidentialmovies. examples: "oval office space," "hoover framed roger rabbit?" and "batman vs. truman: dawn of justice."
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let's start with 60 seconds. begin. joe. >> throw bama from the train. chris: amazing. points. >> james and the giant impeachment. >> chris: points. >> diary of a mad black president. >> chris: points. >> bush did nine and a half weeks. >> chris: paul. >> woodroson of the mask. chris: points. joe. >> puddy task. [laughin >> thank you. [cheers and applause] >> madiaz airforce one. chris: hodgman. >> the assassination of jfk by the pope, cuba and lady -- >> chris: points. >> precious based on the novel bush -- >> chris: that's the end of
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>> chris: that's the end of #hashtagwars. ♪ (cell phone rings) where are you? well the squirrels are back in the attic. mom? your dad won't call an exterminator... can i call you back, mom? he says it's personal this time... if you're a mom, you call at the worst time. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's now time to play planned parent they're just like us. >> chris: everyone loves their grandmammies and peepaws.
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did you know that back when they were in high school they were probably assholes? well, a redditor named "the blackfish " posted some yearbook photos from 1946 and, apparently, the greatest generation was also the most passive aggressive and sexist generation. like take these for example. "doris hundley: plenty of goodness for someone to love. he'll come someday, hundley." yikes. [bleep] you 1946. i'm going to show you photos of some dudes. give them the same snark. first up this valiant prince. >> hey, norman that hair helmet wasn't enough to keep from you getting brain damage. i won, norman. >> chris: points. for everyone who wants to know that's bruce willis. that's bruce willis. >> now you can see it. >> i'm also supe ear proefpable. chris: next up this spiffy sailor. >> way to hide in plain sight, gill. nobody will suspect your intent
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sexual attraction to cartoon ducks. >> chris: points. randazzo. >> oh, you're a gay. chris: you recognize who this is. >> pointdexter. chris: sean connery. >> that's right. chris: next up. this fella who is this? >> congratulations to eugene on his recent eyebrow separation. >> chris: he's very upset about it. points to paul. >> allen has a short temper, he's a ethnic of some kind. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> -- on the flag. [laughing] >> look out new mascot. chris: randazzo. >> all of the kids tease pablo
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his dads from peru. his mother is a [beep] ferret. >> chris: you probably didn't recognize who this is. you're not use to seeing this part of him. ron goer hee. >jeremy.>> oh, dear. chris: next up. randazzo. >> warren, if you didn't want us to pick on you you shouldn't of been such an orphan. >> chris: points. >> hair style. chris: hodgman. >> you better not jack up the price of aids medication by 500. [cheers and applause] >> chris: tompkins. >> have fun this summer, chuck. have fun hearing the phrase teen hitler. >> chris: by the way that's tween hitler. >> yes.
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you can't hide from me hitler. >> chris: i must give paul tomkins a hundred points for realizing that's boy hitler. >> hands down. >> hands down. stop it! >> chris: next up this unfortunate graduate. hodgman. >> worst high top day ever! chris: points. paul f.tom k2 global partners ins. >> >> good luck. sorry you got stuck in the telepoor station tube with a tprob. >> chris: points. anyone know who this is? it's lil jon, yes. well done. >> stephen hawking. chris: that brings us to the end of grandparents! they're just like us. it's time for our live challenge, stock troopers. [ applause ] before john boyega was blowing up starkiller base, he was
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blowing up your powerpoint presentation -- stop it! you're right. i should of given the spoiler warning before that. i know i will get yelled on the internet later. boyega was a stock photo model. true. right there. he's this one. >> who knew the storm trooper train ago cad hee was so multicultural. this got us wondering what other star wars characters were up to a long time ago, in a corporate environment far, far away. comedians, i'll show you each another star wars-infused stock photo, and i want you to give me a line from the presentation or ad it would be used in. we'll be back with more "@midnight." limits do they even exist? or is it just a made up word to destroy our dreams. thanks to new odor blocker, the most powerful old spice antiperspirant in the world.
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i was free of sweats tyranical rule over my body and i could push myself, even further. should i stop. should i have listened to all the critics. should i have taken even a basic ground level engineering course of some type. yes... yes i should have. but the most valuable lesson i have ever learned is that if you fill your brain with knowledge... heh then their won't be any room for dreams. and my dream is to take the wheel and drive. wow! wow! wow!
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james drove his rav4 hybrid, unaware death was lurking... what? he was challenged by a team of lumberjacks. let's do this. he would drive them to hard knocks canyon where he would risk broken legs, losing limbs and slipping and dying. not helping. but death would have to wait. james left with newfound knowledge, a man's gratitude... and his shirt. the all-new rav4 hybrid. how far will you take it? toyota. let's go places.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i gave you a star wars stock vote oh, i asked for a line or presentation of an ad it would be applied to. hodgman, this beach bob. >> tonight on the bachelor. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. next up, joe, this loving couple. let's see what you came up with. >> (chewbacc weeky for, we're gn abortion.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: paul, you had this one here against the board room. what did you come up with? >> being the only woman on staff means you get presentational opportunities men never seem to get. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i have to give -- i have to give a thousand points to joe. 250 to john and paul. next game. point of no return. point of no return. life is a journey full of wondrous milestones, like a baby's first steps, a child's first kiss, jacking off to the dvd box of your mom's workout video, hearing the garage door open and desperately wiping off the dvd before she gets back from the grocery, crying because you don't know what's happening to your body, and then eventually getting married and having a family of your own. while universal experiences like those come at different times for different people, thrillist has compiled a list of things we should stop doing by certain ages. like age 3: stop sucking your thumb.
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age 25: stop working for free. and age 33: stop crying at work. but i'm sure some were left of -- 33 is the cut off. >> it's 35 in new jersey. but i'm sure some were left off the list, so comedians, please give me some other things you should have gotten over by a certain age. 60 seconds. begin. >> age 20, stop marrying hugh hefner. >> age 29 stop kidding yourself you're anything but meat. >> age 25 sto *t stop reading charles bukowski. >> stop being dead for three years, dogs only. >> age 27 stop telling everyone you're an atheist, we [beep] know. >> age 45, seeing relevant. >> age 7, stop wetting the bed.
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>> randazzo. >> age 67, start wetting the bed again. >> age 81 stop referring to the irish as dirty potato [beep], grandpa. >> age 1037 stop drinking the blood of ore tabs to replenish your retched life force. you have seen enough. >> chris: that brings touts point of no return. mr. hodgmanure in third place. >> we are i feel most comfortable. bring me the light. >> chris: bathe him in red light. burn baby! burn! >> now i can rest. >> chris: that means it's time to forget to sign the prenup... it's for the win! [cheers and applause] >> chris: now
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everyone loves a good excuse for a party. we can celebrate birthdays, new houses or divorces! "i do i did i'm done, now it's time for some fun!" the color perfectly accent the color of your black heart! it seems like the new trend is divorce parties, gathering all of your friends and throwing a rager in the half of the house you own. there's even divorce party planners, so you can spend the rest of the money you're left stkeuf if hgive me a line from e part e-vite. we will have a winner when we
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(hooves on gravel) i gotta ask, man. what's it like living without the internet?
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(snap) it's alright. i just get photos of your mom through the mail. snap into a slim jim! schick xtreme3. 3 flexible blades... ...that adapt to any contour... ...for extreme comfort. schick xtreme3. try xtreme3 ultimate. more glide, better comfort. free your skin. until taco bell introduced $1 crunchwrap sliders. clementine never feared for her personal safety. four delicious flavors, for just a buck each. then clementine began to worry. luckily under her own body was a weird rubber plug. [sfx: bong] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win.
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wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. >> it almost worked. chris: you were trying to keep your scores up there. it doesn't matter these people decide who is the winner. >> these people. chris: the win. you're and you're playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break we found out that birthdays aren't the only parties that you could cry at if you want to, and i asked you for an evite to your divorce party. so, let's see what you came up with! first one, i don't know why stuart wants to do a divorce party he hasn't gotten anyone to come in 15 years. [cheers and applause] >> chris: stuart. or, and remember don't tell my wife, it's a surprise! [cheers and applause] >> chris: number two is the winner who is number two? paul f. tomkins. he has done it. he has defeated joe randazzo you have won a


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